Wednesday, July 28, 2010

If you really knew me...

There's a new show on MTV called If You Really Knew Me, on Tuesdays at 11 p.m. Eastern/ 10 p.m. Central time. I recommend watching this show because it breaks boundaries and smashes cliques. Students from various high schools are asked to participate in a program called Challenge Day where students confess their true feelings to their peers and can relate to each other through traumatic experiences. It's true, and very real, so that's why I ultimately decided to write this post as if I were one of those students admitting my true feelings. Here we go:

If you really knew me, you'd know that although it looks like I had the perfect blessed childhood, things weren't quite as they seemed. My father stopped talking to me from the time I was 8 until the time I was 20. I still really don't know why... but it definitely affected me. I crave male attention, and sometimes receive it in the wrong ways. He started trying when I broke down to my mother and told her how much his not being there for me has affected me. I'm still kind of bitter.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I have the lowest self-esteem in the world. You'd know how mercilessly I was teased throughout elementary and middle school. I was the nerdy girl, the girl with the big glasses, and the buck teeth. I've never been fat, but I've always had a gut, and I gained some weight because of depression. When I got to high school, I became a lot better looking, but I still retain the effects of the teasing. I've been passed over for better looking girls, and it hurts me so much sometimes.

If you really knew me, you'd know why I was such a terrible daughter to my mother. You'd know why she has the power to make me feel lower than pond scum. You'd know that she refuses to understand why I feel the way I do, and that she feels that I'm over-exaggerating everything I've ever told her. I still to this day have so much rage and animosity toward her. As of right now, I am successfully, but barely, controlling my anger toward her. I just continue to take it day by day and the healing process has begun.

If you have watched the show, or were moved by this blog, then let me know: what would I see if I really knew you?


MyThought said...

I just started blogging a few days ago and I was searching interesting blogs to follow. I think your blog is very honest and moving.

So...If you really knew me, you'd know that although I seem to have a healthy and high self-esteem, there are moments I get very insecure. Sometimes it takes ages to believe somebody's telling me something nice.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I don't know how to deal with compliments. Whatever the compliment is about my first reaction is to not believe it. I am just not used to get compliments because of the bad childhood I had.

If you really knew me, you'd know that although it looks like I am very strong because of what I went through, I feel very weak. I don't know what to do with this anger and grief inside of me.

If you really knew me, you'd know why I went away. You'd understand the real reason I stopped having contact with my family. You'd know how I felt the moment my mother told me that they didn't do anything wrong and that there is only something wrong with ME. Or the moment my sister told me I am exaggerating and inventing things that never happened, just after I opened up to her for the first time telling her how hard the situation at home has been and still is for me.

I know what it means to take things day by day. Having great days, but also very bad ones. I'm in a healing process.. having no idea how long it will take. But I'm trying to have patience.. :)

Courtenay said...

I really appreciate your comment, and your opening up to a complete stranger. I feel much the same, especially about the compliments. I get told I'm pretty, or I'm irresistable, but I don't believe it either. Thank you for reading!

Anonymous said...

If you really knew me you'd know that my dad did the same thing yours did, and because of the male attention I crave I did stupid things.

If you really knew me you'd know that my life seems perfect on the outside but I cry every night and still can't figure out what's missing. you'd know that I never want to grow up.

If you really knew me you'd know that my life has been full of regrets that I can't seem to get over, but I want to learn how.

If you really knew me, you'd know how much my goal in life is to help people in any way I can, but sometimes my own emotions seem to get in the way.

If you really knew me, you'd know about my broken heart.

thanks for your post

Anonymous said...

i loved this post thanks :)
if you really knew me, youd no i struggle with self harm, depression, suicidal ideatation, insomnia and poor self esteem. youd know i hate complimentd but i love insults because it gives me a reason to fight and youd know that everyone looks to me as the most mentally strong girl theyve met.

if you really knew me youd know i feel as though im living in my brothers shadow, that my parents make me feel worthless compared to him. all i ever wanted is to be as good as him but i know i cant.

if you really knew me, you would know i wouldnt tell this to people i know because i do not trust people and everyone ive told pretends to care then just pretends like nothing happened. i depend on my freinds i i hate myself for it because they all have problems too.

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