There's a new show on MTV called If You Really Knew Me, on Tuesdays at 11 p.m. Eastern/ 10 p.m. Central time. I recommend watching this show because it breaks boundaries and smashes cliques. Students from various high schools are asked to participate in a program called Challenge Day where students confess their true feelings to their peers and can relate to each other through traumatic experiences. It's true, and very real, so that's why I ultimately decided to write this post as if I were one of those students admitting my true feelings. Here we go:
If you really knew me, you'd know that although it looks like I had the perfect blessed childhood, things weren't quite as they seemed. My father stopped talking to me from the time I was 8 until the time I was 20. I still really don't know why... but it definitely affected me. I crave male attention, and sometimes receive it in the wrong ways. He started trying when I broke down to my mother and told her how much his not being there for me has affected me. I'm still kind of bitter.
If you really knew me, you'd know that I have the lowest self-esteem in the world. You'd know how mercilessly I was teased throughout elementary and middle school. I was the nerdy girl, the girl with the big glasses, and the buck teeth. I've never been fat, but I've always had a gut, and I gained some weight because of depression. When I got to high school, I became a lot better looking, but I still retain the effects of the teasing. I've been passed over for better looking girls, and it hurts me so much sometimes.
If you really knew me, you'd know why I was such a terrible daughter to my mother. You'd know why she has the power to make me feel lower than pond scum. You'd know that she refuses to understand why I feel the way I do, and that she feels that I'm over-exaggerating everything I've ever told her. I still to this day have so much rage and animosity toward her. As of right now, I am successfully, but barely, controlling my anger toward her. I just continue to take it day by day and the healing process has begun.
If you have watched the show, or were moved by this blog, then let me know: what would I see if I really knew you?