Thursday, February 3, 2011
I, the bringer of positive thinking (or I at least attempt to), have fallen under hard times once more. I have been drowning in depression and hopelessness for a few months now. It's something I've struggled with for 8 years now, but I thought I had finally started to be able to control it. My, was I ever wrong. My depression came back and with a vengeance.
With this bout of depression, I've struggled with insomnia as well, which is something I've never experienced this intensely before. Oh, how the insomnia made the depression that much worse. Melatonin has helped to cure the insomnia, but the depression remains like some incurable disease. I've also become dependent, and too much so, on other people to make me happy. It's not only unfair to them, but unfair to myself.
Tonight is a changing point for me, however. I need to stop and remember that I am strong. I am not a weak person. Yes, depression, I will admit that you almost won. You have beaten me, weathered me, and brought me to my knees. I have had to pick myself up off of the floor because of you. I have all but lost every ounce of hope, faith, and confidence I've ever had in myself. All of the ambition I had, everything I've worked so hard for, is all just a shadow of what it once was. And the anger I've worked so hard to keep under control, to conquer... it's all back.
But I will NOT let you win. I'm too strong for you. The ambition you tried to take away from me still lies within me, and although it has been stifled, it will not be lost. I've worked too hard thus far to just watch it all float away from me. The independence I used to have will come back to me in time. This pessimism needs to stop. I need to remember my goals, to remember what I dream of achieving.
This is a lesson to anyone who falls into the quicksand of depression. It will pull you in and for awhile you can do nothing but struggle. But listen to me. You can and will survive. Remind yourself every day how amazing you are, how beautiful and intelligent, how strong, how independent, and how blessed your life is. Remember that there are people who love you. There are people pulling for you, praying that you will make it through. And always remember that there is nothing wrong with dreaming big.
My high school cheerleading coach always told us to "reach for the stars." One of our mottos was "reach for the moon because even if you miss, you'll land among the stars."
I'm determined to get back to that mindset and I will succeed. I have no doubt about that.
Song of the day: Pearl Jam "Black"