If you really knew me...

There's a new show on MTV called If You Really Knew Me, on Tuesdays at 11 p.m. Eastern/ 10 p.m. Central time. I recommend watching this show because it breaks boundaries and smashes cliques. Students from various high schools are asked to participate in a program called Challenge Day where students confess their true feelings to their peers and can relate to each other through traumatic experiences. It's true, and very real, so that's why I ultimately decided to write this post as if I were one of those students admitting my true feelings. Here we go:

If you really knew me, you'd know that although it looks like I had the perfect blessed childhood, things weren't quite as they seemed. My father stopped talking to me from the time I was 8 until the time I was 20. I still really don't know why... but it definitely affected me. I crave male attention, and sometimes receive it in the wrong ways. He started trying when I broke down to my mother and told her how much his not being there for me has affected me. I'm still kind of bitter.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I have the lowest self-esteem in the world. You'd know how mercilessly I was teased throughout elementary and middle school. I was the nerdy girl, the girl with the big glasses, and the buck teeth. I've never been fat, but I've always had a gut, and I gained some weight because of depression. When I got to high school, I became a lot better looking, but I still retain the effects of the teasing. I've been passed over for better looking girls, and it hurts me so much sometimes.

If you really knew me, you'd know why I was such a terrible daughter to my mother. You'd know why she has the power to make me feel lower than pond scum. You'd know that she refuses to understand why I feel the way I do, and that she feels that I'm over-exaggerating everything I've ever told her. I still to this day have so much rage and animosity toward her. As of right now, I am successfully, but barely, controlling my anger toward her. I just continue to take it day by day and the healing process has begun.

If you have watched the show, or were moved by this blog, then let me know: what would I see if I really knew you?

Okay, okay...

Thanks for all the appreciative comments, guys. It made me feel like I was doing something worth something in a way. But now I'm stuck. I have major writer's block and need some help. Give me some of your ideas, anything you would like to read about. Help a sister out here.

Love voraciously,

Courtenay

Should I keep going?

It's been awhile since my last post, but I have one simple question.

Should I keep posting?

I just feel as though nobody really reads.
Give me reasons to continue, and maybe I will. Or maybe not.

Yep.

True love is your soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another.

We all dream of finding "the one." The one we can spend our time with, the one we can laugh with, play with, and dream with. The one you just can't seem to get out of your head, no matter how hard you try. The one you can fight with, and the one you can still make it through the hard times with.

Some of you may have already found your soulmates. Some of you may not have. Either way, we all know that the word "love" carries so much meaning. Love has many different definitions according to the many different perspectives human beings have on the subject. To some, love is just a word, meaningless and intangible. To others, its an intense emotion, sometimes causing complete happiness, and other times, excruciating heartbreak. And to a select few, love is what makes the world go 'round.

Some of you may be hopeless romantics, dreaming of being swept off your feet by the perfect partner. Some of you may scoff at the idea of romanticism and being in love. And some of you may just be indifferent to the whole subject.

So my question is what category do you fall into? Are you currently in love? Are you married, single, divorced, etc.? Have you been swept off your feet? Do you dream of being swept off your feet? Are you a romantic? Are you not? What is your definition of love? And most importantly, what is your opinion of "true love"?

Go ahead and tell me my dreams are unrealistic; I'll tell you yours aren't big enough.

I have always been a dreamer. I want and dream about so much, it's hard to sort between reality and the imagined. One day, I hope to turn the imagined into reality, and nobody will tell me otherwise. My dreams have been laughed at, talked about, and shot down. But why? Why can't I dream? Why can't I set huge, seemingly impossible goals for myself? What's wrong with staying optimistic and telling myself that someday, I will achieve these goals? Most, I probably will never obtain. Some, I'm working on right now. But just because I may not ever reach these goals doesn't mean that I can't still try.

I know that I say to live for the moment, and I mean every word of that, but sometimes, I think about the future and feel that it's okay to dream, to also live for the future. Without a life's purpose, without something to look forward to living for, nobody would search for further contentment. Yes, live for the moment, but don't let that moment's satisfaction stop you from searching for a lifetime's satisfaction.


Something I wrote today while I was day-dreaming:

"Because I tend to think things through before acting upon them, I tend to get left behind as others move forward, looking for something or someone who will satisfy their happiness at that moment. That momentary satisfaction is not enough to fill their hunger for bigger and better things; that's why I continue to choose to wait for that someone or something that will satisfy me not only for the moment, but for a lifetime."

I live by this. I used to just take life by the reins and hold on tight. As I've gotten older, and learned from my mistakes, I've also learned that the future is just as important as the present. 

Advice of the day: Never live in the past, for it is impossible to change it, but live in the present and the future, for these are the times that will guide you on your way through life.


Song of the day: Stacie Orrico "(There's Gotta Be) More To Life"

Don't let idiots ruin your day.

I am incredibly sick and tired of people walking all over me. It's not something I allow, nor have I allowed it to happen for years, but all of sudden, everyone seems to be walking all over me. Apparently I take advantage of everyone when really I'm constantly going out of my way to do things for my friends and family.

Throughout the past day, I have lain in my bed and thought, driven my car and thought, worked and thought. All this thinking I've been doing has reminded me that I don't need people like that in my life. I am happy with myself and who I am, and I definitely don't need anyone bringing me down. Honestly, I'm not going to waste my time being angry and upset with these people causing me these problems. What's the point? I'd just be presenting to the world that these people managed to get to me, to break me to my very inner core.

These hypocrites will NOT break me down. They will NOT get the better of me. They will NOT abuse me. And they most definitely will NOT succeed in pushing me around.

No way will I EVER let that happen.

Advice of the day: "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

Song of the day: Matchbox 20 "Push"

Don't let somebody else create you because once they do, they can totally destroy you.

Everyone wants to fit in. Everyone wants to be popular and well-liked. It's just a part of human nature. Acceptance is one of the main things we strive for in life. Even if you say you don't care what anyone thinks of you, you're lying because you do, even if it's just a tiny part of you that does care. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be accepted by the people who surround you.

What is wrong is giving yourself completely over to someone just to feel accepted. High school is a huge example of this. Wanting to fit in with the "popular" crowd, you completely change who you are. You change your clothes, your hair, your habits, and your personality so you can fit in and be well-liked. But your so-called "friends" are never happy with you regardless of how much or how little you change. They're always trying to improve you. What gives them that right?

Yes, this has happened to me. Even I'm not immune. I tried to be just like everyone else, and instead, I came crashing down to Earth at 100 miles an hour. I realized that even the acceptance that I craved (and was getting) wasn't enough to make me happy. I was so unhappy I fell into a deep depression, and stayed there until I became who I am today.

Advice of the day: Learn to accept yourself, and others will learn to accept you.


I'm very proud of the person I've come to be. I know who truly cares for me and who truly doesn't. For the ones that don't, you're missing out, but that's your problem. The ones who really love and care for you will love you for you, no matter who you are. Learn to sort out the real from the fake.

Song of the day: Blessed Union of Souls "Hey Leonardo (She Likes Me For Me)"