You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.

I, the bringer of positive thinking (or I at least attempt to), have fallen under hard times once more. I have been drowning in depression and hopelessness for a few months now. It's something I've struggled with for 8 years now, but I thought I had finally started to be able to control it. My, was I ever wrong. My depression came back and with a vengeance.

With this bout of depression, I've struggled with insomnia as well, which is something I've never experienced this intensely before. Oh, how the insomnia made the depression that much worse. Melatonin has helped to cure the insomnia, but the depression remains like some incurable disease. I've also become dependent, and too much so, on other people to make me happy. It's not only unfair to them, but unfair to myself.

Tonight is a changing point for me, however. I need to stop and remember that I am strong. I am not a weak person. Yes, depression, I will admit that you almost won. You have beaten me, weathered me, and brought me to my knees. I have had to pick myself up off of the floor because of you. I have all but lost every ounce of hope, faith, and confidence I've ever had in myself. All of the ambition I had, everything I've worked so hard for, is all just a shadow of what it once was. And the anger I've worked so hard to keep under control, to conquer... it's all back.

But I will NOT let you win. I'm too strong for you. The ambition you tried to take away from me still lies within me, and although it has been stifled, it will not be lost. I've worked too hard thus far to just watch it all float away from me. The independence I used to have will come back to me in time. This pessimism needs to stop. I need to remember my goals, to remember what I dream of achieving.

This is a lesson to anyone who falls into the quicksand of depression. It will pull you in and for awhile you can do nothing but struggle. But listen to me. You can and will survive. Remind yourself every day how amazing you are, how beautiful and intelligent, how strong, how independent, and how blessed your life is. Remember that there are people who love you. There are people pulling for you, praying that you will make it through. And always remember that there is nothing wrong with dreaming big.

My high school cheerleading coach always told us to "reach for the stars." One of our mottos was "reach for the moon because even if you miss, you'll land among the stars."

I'm determined to get back to that mindset and I will succeed. I have no doubt about that.


Song of the day: Pearl Jam "Black"

And how do you keep your feet on the ground when you know that you were born, you were born to fly?

I've been tellin' my dreams to the scarecrow
'Bout the places that I'd like to see
I said, friend do you think I'll ever get there
Ah, but he just stands there smilin' back at me

So I confessed my sins to the preacher
About the love I've been prayin' to find
Is there a brown eye'd boy in my future, yeah
He says. girl you've got nothin' but time

But how do you wait for heaven
And who has that much time
And how do you keep your feet on the ground
When you know that you were born, you were born to fly

My daddy, he's grounded like the oak tree
My momma, she is steady as the sun
Oh you know I love my folks
But I keep starin' down the road
Just lookin' for my one chance to run

Yeah, 'cause I will soar away like the blackbird
I will blow in the wind like a sea
I will plant my heart in the garden of my dreams
And I will grow up where I'll wander wild and free

Oh, how do you wait for heaven
And who has that much time
And how do you keep your feet on the ground
When you know that you were born
You were born yeah
You were born to fly

So how do you wait for heaven
And who has that much time
And how do you keep your feet on the ground
When you know that you were born
You were born to fly fly fly fly

Hey
Ooooh, ooooh

-- Sara Evans "Born To Fly"

If you really knew me...

There's a new show on MTV called If You Really Knew Me, on Tuesdays at 11 p.m. Eastern/ 10 p.m. Central time. I recommend watching this show because it breaks boundaries and smashes cliques. Students from various high schools are asked to participate in a program called Challenge Day where students confess their true feelings to their peers and can relate to each other through traumatic experiences. It's true, and very real, so that's why I ultimately decided to write this post as if I were one of those students admitting my true feelings. Here we go:

If you really knew me, you'd know that although it looks like I had the perfect blessed childhood, things weren't quite as they seemed. My father stopped talking to me from the time I was 8 until the time I was 20. I still really don't know why... but it definitely affected me. I crave male attention, and sometimes receive it in the wrong ways. He started trying when I broke down to my mother and told her how much his not being there for me has affected me. I'm still kind of bitter.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I have the lowest self-esteem in the world. You'd know how mercilessly I was teased throughout elementary and middle school. I was the nerdy girl, the girl with the big glasses, and the buck teeth. I've never been fat, but I've always had a gut, and I gained some weight because of depression. When I got to high school, I became a lot better looking, but I still retain the effects of the teasing. I've been passed over for better looking girls, and it hurts me so much sometimes.

If you really knew me, you'd know why I was such a terrible daughter to my mother. You'd know why she has the power to make me feel lower than pond scum. You'd know that she refuses to understand why I feel the way I do, and that she feels that I'm over-exaggerating everything I've ever told her. I still to this day have so much rage and animosity toward her. As of right now, I am successfully, but barely, controlling my anger toward her. I just continue to take it day by day and the healing process has begun.

If you have watched the show, or were moved by this blog, then let me know: what would I see if I really knew you?

Okay, okay...

Thanks for all the appreciative comments, guys. It made me feel like I was doing something worth something in a way. But now I'm stuck. I have major writer's block and need some help. Give me some of your ideas, anything you would like to read about. Help a sister out here.

Love voraciously,

Courtenay

Should I keep going?

It's been awhile since my last post, but I have one simple question.

Should I keep posting?

I just feel as though nobody really reads.
Give me reasons to continue, and maybe I will. Or maybe not.

Yep.

True love is your soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another.

We all dream of finding "the one." The one we can spend our time with, the one we can laugh with, play with, and dream with. The one you just can't seem to get out of your head, no matter how hard you try. The one you can fight with, and the one you can still make it through the hard times with.

Some of you may have already found your soulmates. Some of you may not have. Either way, we all know that the word "love" carries so much meaning. Love has many different definitions according to the many different perspectives human beings have on the subject. To some, love is just a word, meaningless and intangible. To others, its an intense emotion, sometimes causing complete happiness, and other times, excruciating heartbreak. And to a select few, love is what makes the world go 'round.

Some of you may be hopeless romantics, dreaming of being swept off your feet by the perfect partner. Some of you may scoff at the idea of romanticism and being in love. And some of you may just be indifferent to the whole subject.

So my question is what category do you fall into? Are you currently in love? Are you married, single, divorced, etc.? Have you been swept off your feet? Do you dream of being swept off your feet? Are you a romantic? Are you not? What is your definition of love? And most importantly, what is your opinion of "true love"?

Go ahead and tell me my dreams are unrealistic; I'll tell you yours aren't big enough.

I have always been a dreamer. I want and dream about so much, it's hard to sort between reality and the imagined. One day, I hope to turn the imagined into reality, and nobody will tell me otherwise. My dreams have been laughed at, talked about, and shot down. But why? Why can't I dream? Why can't I set huge, seemingly impossible goals for myself? What's wrong with staying optimistic and telling myself that someday, I will achieve these goals? Most, I probably will never obtain. Some, I'm working on right now. But just because I may not ever reach these goals doesn't mean that I can't still try.

I know that I say to live for the moment, and I mean every word of that, but sometimes, I think about the future and feel that it's okay to dream, to also live for the future. Without a life's purpose, without something to look forward to living for, nobody would search for further contentment. Yes, live for the moment, but don't let that moment's satisfaction stop you from searching for a lifetime's satisfaction.


Something I wrote today while I was day-dreaming:

"Because I tend to think things through before acting upon them, I tend to get left behind as others move forward, looking for something or someone who will satisfy their happiness at that moment. That momentary satisfaction is not enough to fill their hunger for bigger and better things; that's why I continue to choose to wait for that someone or something that will satisfy me not only for the moment, but for a lifetime."

I live by this. I used to just take life by the reins and hold on tight. As I've gotten older, and learned from my mistakes, I've also learned that the future is just as important as the present. 

Advice of the day: Never live in the past, for it is impossible to change it, but live in the present and the future, for these are the times that will guide you on your way through life.


Song of the day: Stacie Orrico "(There's Gotta Be) More To Life"