Lessons From The One Who Learns

You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.

2011-02-03T02:11:00.001-05:00

I, the bringer of positive thinking (or I at least attempt to), have fallen under hard times once more. I have been drowning in depression and hopelessness for a few months now. It's something I've struggled with for 8 years now, but I thought I had finally started to be able to control it. My, was I ever wrong. My depression came back and with a vengeance.

With this bout of depression, I've struggled with insomnia as well, which is something I've never experienced this intensely before. Oh, how the insomnia made the depression that much worse. Melatonin has helped to cure the insomnia, but the depression remains like some incurable disease. I've also become dependent, and too much so, on other people to make me happy. It's not only unfair to them, but unfair to myself.

Tonight is a changing point for me, however. I need to stop and remember that I am strong. I am not a weak person. Yes, depression, I will admit that you almost won. You have beaten me, weathered me, and brought me to my knees. I have had to pick myself up off of the floor because of you. I have all but lost every ounce of hope, faith, and confidence I've ever had in myself. All of the ambition I had, everything I've worked so hard for, is all just a shadow of what it once was. And the anger I've worked so hard to keep under control, to conquer... it's all back.

But I will NOT let you win. I'm too strong for you. The ambition you tried to take away from me still lies within me, and although it has been stifled, it will not be lost. I've worked too hard thus far to just watch it all float away from me. The independence I used to have will come back to me in time. This pessimism needs to stop. I need to remember my goals, to remember what I dream of achieving.

This is a lesson to anyone who falls into the quicksand of depression. It will pull you in and for awhile you can do nothing but struggle. But listen to me. You can and will survive. Remind yourself every day how amazing you are, how beautiful and intelligent, how strong, how independent, and how blessed your life is. Remember that there are people who love you. There are people pulling for you, praying that you will make it through. And always remember that there is nothing wrong with dreaming big.

My high school cheerleading coach always told us to "reach for the stars." One of our mottos was "reach for the moon because even if you miss, you'll land among the stars."

I'm determined to get back to that mindset and I will succeed. I have no doubt about that.

Song of the day: Pearl Jam "Black"

And how do you keep your feet on the ground when you know that you were born, you were born to fly?

2010-08-17T00:18:00.000-04:00

I've been tellin' my dreams to the scarecrow
'Bout the places that I'd like to see
I said, friend do you think I'll ever get there
Ah, but he just stands there smilin' back at me

So I confessed my sins to the preacher
About the love I've been prayin' to find
Is there a brown eye'd boy in my future, yeah
He says. girl you've got nothin' but time

But how do you wait for heaven
And who has that much time
And how do you keep your feet on the ground
When you know that you were born, you were born to fly

My daddy, he's grounded like the oak tree
My momma, she is steady as the sun
Oh you know I love my folks
But I keep starin' down the road
Just lookin' for my one chance to run

Yeah, 'cause I will soar away like the blackbird
I will blow in the wind like a sea
I will plant my heart in the garden of my dreams
And I will grow up where I'll wander wild and free

Oh, how do you wait for heaven
And who has that much time
And how do you keep your feet on the ground
When you know that you were born
You were born yeah
You were born to fly

So how do you wait for heaven
And who has that much time
And how do you keep your feet on the ground
When you know that you were born
You were born to fly fly fly fly

Hey
Ooooh, ooooh

-- Sara Evans "Born To Fly"

If you really knew me...

2010-07-28T00:59:00.000-04:00

There's a new show on MTV called If You Really Knew Me, on Tuesdays at 11 p.m. Eastern/ 10 p.m. Central time. I recommend watching this show because it breaks boundaries and smashes cliques. Students from various high schools are asked to participate in a program called Challenge Day where students confess their true feelings to their peers and can relate to each other through traumatic experiences. It's true, and very real, so that's why I ultimately decided to write this post as if I were one of those students admitting my true feelings. Here we go:

If you really knew me, you'd know that although it looks like I had the perfect blessed childhood, things weren't quite as they seemed. My father stopped talking to me from the time I was 8 until the time I was 20. I still really don't know why... but it definitely affected me. I crave male attention, and sometimes receive it in the wrong ways. He started trying when I broke down to my mother and told her how much his not being there for me has affected me. I'm still kind of bitter.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I have the lowest self-esteem in the world. You'd know how mercilessly I was teased throughout elementary and middle school. I was the nerdy girl, the girl with the big glasses, and the buck teeth. I've never been fat, but I've always had a gut, and I gained some weight because of depression. When I got to high school, I became a lot better looking, but I still retain the effects of the teasing. I've been passed over for better looking girls, and it hurts me so much sometimes.

If you really knew me, you'd know why I was such a terrible daughter to my mother. You'd know why she has the power to make me feel lower than pond scum. You'd know that she refuses to understand why I feel the way I do, and that she feels that I'm over-exaggerating everything I've ever told her. I still to this day have so much rage and animosity toward her. As of right now, I am successfully, but barely, controlling my anger toward her. I just continue to take it day by day and the healing process has begun.

If you have watched the show, or were moved by this blog, then let me know: what would I see if I really knew you?

Okay, okay...

2010-07-17T01:35:00.000-04:00

Thanks for all the appreciative comments, guys. It made me feel like I was doing something worth something in a way. But now I'm stuck. I have major writer's block and need some help. Give me some of your ideas, anything you would like to read about. Help a sister out here.

Love voraciously,

Courtenay

Should I keep going?

2010-05-25T16:45:00.000-04:00

It's been awhile since my last post, but I have one simple question.

Should I keep posting?

I just feel as though nobody really reads.
Give me reasons to continue, and maybe I will. Or maybe not.

Yep.

True love is your soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another.

2010-03-03T10:59:00.000-05:00

We all dream of finding "the one." The one we can spend our time with, the one we can laugh with, play with, and dream with. The one you just can't seem to get out of your head, no matter how hard you try. The one you can fight with, and the one you can still make it through the hard times with.

Some of you may have already found your soulmates. Some of you may not have. Either way, we all know that the word "love" carries so much meaning. Love has many different definitions according to the many different perspectives human beings have on the subject. To some, love is just a word, meaningless and intangible. To others, its an intense emotion, sometimes causing complete happiness, and other times, excruciating heartbreak. And to a select few, love is what makes the world go 'round.

Some of you may be hopeless romantics, dreaming of being swept off your feet by the perfect partner. Some of you may scoff at the idea of romanticism and being in love. And some of you may just be indifferent to the whole subject.

So my question is what category do you fall into? Are you currently in love? Are you married, single, divorced, etc.? Have you been swept off your feet? Do you dream of being swept off your feet? Are you a romantic? Are you not? What is your definition of love? And most importantly, what is your opinion of "true love"?

Go ahead and tell me my dreams are unrealistic; I'll tell you yours aren't big enough.

2009-12-28T17:24:00.000-05:00

I have always been a dreamer. I want and dream about so much, it's hard to sort between reality and the imagined. One day, I hope to turn the imagined into reality, and nobody will tell me otherwise. My dreams have been laughed at, talked about, and shot down. But why? Why can't I dream? Why can't I set huge, seemingly impossible goals for myself? What's wrong with staying optimistic and telling myself that someday, I will achieve these goals? Most, I probably will never obtain. Some, I'm working on right now. But just because I may not ever reach these goals doesn't mean that I can't still try.

I know that I say to live for the moment, and I mean every word of that, but sometimes, I think about the future and feel that it's okay to dream, to also live for the future. Without a life's purpose, without something to look forward to living for, nobody would search for further contentment. Yes, live for the moment, but don't let that moment's satisfaction stop you from searching for a lifetime's satisfaction.

Something I wrote today while I was day-dreaming:

"Because I tend to think things through before acting upon them, I tend to get left behind as others move forward, looking for something or someone who will satisfy their happiness at that moment. That momentary satisfaction is not enough to fill their hunger for bigger and better things; that's why I continue to choose to wait for that someone or something that will satisfy me not only for the moment, but for a lifetime."

I live by this. I used to just take life by the reins and hold on tight. As I've gotten older, and learned from my mistakes, I've also learned that the future is just as important as the present.

Advice of the day: Never live in the past, for it is impossible to change it, but live in the present and the future, for these are the times that will guide you on your way through life.

Song of the day: Stacie Orrico "(There's Gotta Be) More To Life"

Don't let idiots ruin your day.

2009-12-19T01:03:00.000-05:00

I am incredibly sick and tired of people walking all over me. It's not something I allow, nor have I allowed it to happen for years, but all of sudden, everyone seems to be walking all over me. Apparently I take advantage of everyone when really I'm constantly going out of my way to do things for my friends and family.

Throughout the past day, I have lain in my bed and thought, driven my car and thought, worked and thought. All this thinking I've been doing has reminded me that I don't need people like that in my life. I am happy with myself and who I am, and I definitely don't need anyone bringing me down. Honestly, I'm not going to waste my time being angry and upset with these people causing me these problems. What's the point? I'd just be presenting to the world that these people managed to get to me, to break me to my very inner core.

These hypocrites will NOT break me down. They will NOT get the better of me. They will NOT abuse me. And they most definitely will NOT succeed in pushing me around.

No way will I EVER let that happen.

Advice of the day: "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

Song of the day: Matchbox 20 "Push"

Don't let somebody else create you because once they do, they can totally destroy you.

2009-11-16T00:49:00.001-05:00

Everyone wants to fit in. Everyone wants to be popular and well-liked. It's just a part of human nature. Acceptance is one of the main things we strive for in life. Even if you say you don't care what anyone thinks of you, you're lying because you do, even if it's just a tiny part of you that does care. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be accepted by the people who surround you.

What is wrong is giving yourself completely over to someone just to feel accepted. High school is a huge example of this. Wanting to fit in with the "popular" crowd, you completely change who you are. You change your clothes, your hair, your habits, and your personality so you can fit in and be well-liked. But your so-called "friends" are never happy with you regardless of how much or how little you change. They're always trying to improve you. What gives them that right?

Yes, this has happened to me. Even I'm not immune. I tried to be just like everyone else, and instead, I came crashing down to Earth at 100 miles an hour. I realized that even the acceptance that I craved (and was getting) wasn't enough to make me happy. I was so unhappy I fell into a deep depression, and stayed there until I became who I am today.

Advice of the day: Learn to accept yourself, and others will learn to accept you.

I'm very proud of the person I've come to be. I know who truly cares for me and who truly doesn't. For the ones that don't, you're missing out, but that's your problem. The ones who really love and care for you will love you for you, no matter who you are. Learn to sort out the real from the fake.

Song of the day: Blessed Union of Souls "Hey Leonardo (She Likes Me For Me)"

From every wound there is a scar and every scar tells a story -- a story that says "I survived."

2009-10-11T00:18:00.000-04:00

We've all been hurt. Battle scars exist in each and every one of us. Whether it's losing your first true love, or the death of a parent/friend, we all have wounds that cut deeply. But if you have the kind of strength that I believe exists in all of us, you can pick yourself up off the ground and stand proudly back up.

What I find really intriguing about these kinds of scars is that they're emotional, not physical, yet if you look closely enough, you can actually see the pain, the anguish, and the intensity of that wounded person. You can look directly into their eyes and see their life story. It's terribly amazing.

What we all must remember is that life is all about the ups and downs; it's merely a very long roller coaster ride. The bumps and bruises we obtain along the way make us who we are. We grow from every bit of suffering that we go through. I know my experiences have made me the strong-willed person that I am today. Every downfall that happens makes me stronger and wiser. Things hardly phase me anymore, yet I know I have a lot of learning left to do.

Advice of the day: Do not be afraid to suffer, for without suffering we would never realize the truly wonderful elements of life.

Feel free to share your scar stories if you'd like -- be sure to include what you gained from the experience, too!

Song of the day: Darryl Worley "Awful Beautiful Life"

Stop figuring out where you're going and enjoy where you're at.

2009-10-02T17:16:00.000-04:00

Too many people spend too much of their precious time worrying about the future. True, the future is a scary concept, especially in today's struggling economy. Prices are rising and wages are staying the same. Being a college student in America, I know how scary the future is. I already have $5,000 in loans and there's plenty more to come just so I can get myself through school.

But through all this, I have come to realize one thing: live for the present. Live every moment as if it were your last. Live like you were dying. I'm not saying don't think about the future. I'm saying don't worry about it. If you work hard and live great, every piece will fall into place.

Advice of the day: Laugh when nothing's funny, dance when there's no music, sing like you've never sung before, love 'til it hurts, cry when you're sad, smile when you're happy, and live every day like it's your last.

This is something everyone has trouble remembering. We're constantly revolving around the trivial matters... gossip, drama, enemies and frenemies. Too many angry words are wasted on the people you love. Think before you speak so you regret nothing you've said.

Another word to the wise: stop living in the past. The past does nothing but haunt you. Thinking "what if" about every regret you've had does nothing for you. There is no such thing as time travel. You cannot go back and change the past. So take my advice and live for each new day. Wake up early and enjoy the sunrise. Sit on your porch and enjoy the sunset. Allow these moments to set you free...

Song of the day: James Otto "Days Of Our Lives"

Fighting back is what I've discovered I do best.

2009-09-18T15:46:00.000-04:00

I know you've been there. Picked on, stomped on, beaten, bruised, and bullied until you just don't think you can take anymore. Or maybe it was you who was the bully and the instigator. Most bullies are just like us and have very little self-esteem, so putting down others makes them feel a little better about themselves.

But then you will hit a certain point when you say, "I've had enough. I'm tired of being walked all over. I'm tired of being taken for granted." Stand up for yourself. Make them believe that you're not going to take it anymore. I know that as a young adolesent in middle school, my group of friends and I were not only the bullies, but also the bullied. We would gang up against each other to the point of making each other cry uncontrollably. We were mean and vicious. If one of us was mad at the other, then the whole group would be mad at that person. I've been shoved into lockers, terrorized through the Internet, and called every horrible name in the book, including ugly, fat, whore, slut, bitch, and have been told to "rot in hell."And this doesn't just happen in school, it happens in the real world, too. I know this because it's happened to me, even being graduated from high school for three years now.

How can we treat others this way? What gives us the right? Who told us that we could criticize and abuse our fellow human beings? We're not perfect, so why should we expect everyone else to be?

Advice of the day: FIGHT BACK.

Get mad. Throw a fit. Show that you're the stronger one. Don't be afraid to stand tall. You deserve to. But never, ever sink to their level. Don't throw nasty words back. Don't physically fight them. Most importantly, never show them that they've gotten under your skin.

One of my favorite quotes (childish, but still inspirational) to live by: "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." And another: "Don't worry if people are talking behind your back. It just means that you're ahead of them."

Songs of the day: Christina Aguilera "Fighter" and Limp Bizkit "Break Stuff"

Learn to make yourself happy.

2009-09-10T17:55:00.003-04:00

Learning to create your own happiness is probably the most important lesson to be learned in life. This is a something I had to learn the hard way. For years I've looked for the one person that could make me truly happy with myself and my life. I've expected too much from too many. How could I possibly expect someone to be able to make me happy and free when I myself am not happy and free? It's truly an impossible feat.

Be very careful, for you also create your own loneliness. I know this from experience. I like to believe that I'm one of the loneliest to exist in this world (though I know it's not true). I've struggled to find the ones who truly care about me when they've been by my side the entire time. I chose to believe that nobody cared, that I was all alone in the world. I chose to believe that nobody could possibly understand how I felt or what I was going through. But I know now that that is the most untrue thing I could have ever thought.

Advice of the day: Life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself.

Yes, others can HELP make you happy. Others can give you all of their love, support, and advice, but it will never be enough until you realize who's really in control of the way you feel.. and that, of course, is you. Look beyond your imperfections, nobody is perfect. Don't dwell on the past because the future is what's ahead. Find a reason to smile. Put yourself in someone else' shoes. You'll realize how amazing you really have it. Pick yourself up when you fall. And always remember... there's light even in the darkest of places.

Song of the day: Switchfoot "Dare You To Move"

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It was a small mistake, but sometimes, that's all it takes.

2009-08-30T20:35:00.000-04:00

So Thursday night my friend and I were leaving a party after having a few drinks. I was driving, of course, and the next thing you know, I'm pulled over and doing a variety of sobriety tests. The breathalyzer said my BAC was .113. My friend's was even worse. The cop slapped handcuffs on me and off to jail I went. Yes, I went to jail and received an OWI (operating while intoxicated). While it was not the worst experience I've ever been through, it was no pleasant experience. I didn't even get booked until around 4:30-5:00 in the morning and then they put me in the holding cell with just a mat to sleep on. I was with two other girls (luckily they were very nice) and we had no blankets to sleep with. It was freezing cold. My bail was $112.00 and I wasn't allowed to be released until at least 10:00 in the morning. I had to call one of my close friends to bail me out and he didn't get there until noon, so I spent 10 hours in jail. He had to take me home, as my car was impounded. Telling my mom was the worst thing... she was so disappointed. Luckily, she's been in this kind of trouble before, so she's willing to help me in any way. Getting my car out of the impound was $201.00 and I'm going to court this Thursday to see what kind of fines and punishments I'm getting slapped with. I'm most likely going to lose my license, and in the long run, I'm probably going to have to pay over $2,500.00 in fines to the state of Michigan. Not to mention I'm not going to be able to celebrate my 21st birthday that comes in less than a month. Was it worth it? No way.

This was definitely a wake-up call, though. I've decided that it's time to put partying on hold, at least for awhile. This is a time to get my life in order, to figure out how I'm going to get through this. I know my friends will be there for me always, and my family has already been such a help. Although this is a horrible ordeal, I can only see it as a blessing... a blessing in disguise. It has opened my eyes to the dangers of what I've been doing since I was 16 years old. It has also made me see that maybe this is the time to start getting healthy again... to quit drinking, to quit smoking, to start working out at least 3 or 4 times a week. College for me starts again tomorrow morning and this would be a wonderful opportunity to throw myself into my studies and to come out on top. No matter what, I will NOT let this bring me down.

Advice of the day: Even in a bad situation, there's always a positive side, even if you can't see it yet.

Learn from your mistakes. Find the optimism in a pessimistic situation. Look on the bright side of things. Find ways of bettering yourself. Believe me, this is what makes you strong. Strength is the most important factor of surviving this rollercoaster ride called life. So although this may slow my life down a little, it will not stop it completely. I'm still living, still breathing, and will continue to do so no matter what it takes.

Song of the day: Any song that helps you get through the bad times.

If you're not willing to risk it all, then you don't want it bad enough.

2009-08-24T00:58:00.002-04:00

Jump. Dive headfirst. Take control. Be your own destiny. Sure, I've heard the infamous line "But if I risk it all, I might lose it all." I can guarantee there's not a soul out there who hasn't thought this or said this. And yes, you may be right. You just may lose it all. But honestly, is that really such a bad thing? You will rise above the losses and in turn you will gain strength... strength that proves you can handle any tough situation life may throw at you.

Life is about taking chances, so why doesn't anyone take any? Rejection, fear, anxiety, nervousness, does this sound familiar to anyone? These are the classic symptoms that seem to appear whenever the opportunity to take a chance arrises. But stop fretting. Lay your heart and soul out there and see what happens. It could just be the best thing you could possibly do for yourself. Whether it's going for that big promotion, or talking to that boy/girl you like, take that risk.
Advice of the day: Never regret anything because at one time, it was something you really wanted.

I used to regret so many of the things I've done in my life. I've made so many mistakes and taken so many risks, and yes, I've sometimes lost it all. I've been down on my knees, praying for someone to save me. But I saved myself. Sure, I leaned on the loved ones who surrounded me, and used them for guidance and support. Ultimately, though, it was I who picked myself back up, it was I who fought through the struggle. And I won. I consider myself to be a very strong individual, but that strength was not something I've always had. I gained it. And to me, that strength is enough to carry me through life like a shield. I can take the risks now. I can handle them. And to me, that is the ultimate gift of life... so please, don't just dip your toes, cannonball into that water and see how big of a splash you can make!

Song of the day: Kelly Clarkson "Long Shot"

Be yourself... who else is better qualified?

2009-08-21T18:19:00.000-04:00

I'm just a simple girl from a simple family who lives in a simple place... I have simple best friends and a seemingly simple life. But then, does anyone really consider themselves to have a simple life? I know that I consider my life to be quite complicated in contrast to the simple life I've described. I've gone through the same things any young person living in today's world has gone through. I've had my heart broken, my will snapped in half, and my trust flushed down the drain. I've had my car vandalized, I've had my rent money stolen from me by my very own roommate, I've been backstabbed by the people whom were closest to me. I've had an alcohol abuse problem (and have since risen above it). I've had attention issues, anger management problems, and a deep, dark depression that still comes about uninvited. I've been there, done that. But through all the pain, all the anguish, and all of the fear, I've become something even stronger that those things combined... I've become myself.

I have never lost touch with myself completely. Sure, I've lost myself to the point where I didn't think I would be able to find myself again... but I was always there, deep in the depths of my very soul. It took a lot for me to find the pieces of me again, but I did. I succeeded.

Does anyone ever feel this way? Like you're losing yourself to everything surrounding you... your friends and family, your worst enemies, the constant rushing of the daily rat race, where you live, the television, and even the computer where I now sit writing this. All of these things take hold of you with the grip of iron and steel.

My words of advice for today: Take your time, don't live too fast, troubles will come and they will pass.

What does this have to do with being yourself, you may be asking. Well, it has EVERYTHING to do with being yourself. Allow yourself time to breathe, time to relax and unwind. You'll find that all the answers to your questions will instantly appear when you meditate. No, meditating isn't necessarily the stereotypical type you're thinking of... meditating doesn't have to be sitting cross-legged on the floor with your thumbs and index fingers touching while you're humming to yourself. Meditation can be anything, anything at all that relaxes you. Reading, writing, painting, exercising, listening to calming music, taking hot bubble baths, yoga, or even sleeping could be your escape. Believe me, without my periods of alone time, I would go completely insane. So just remember... you're the only one who can live your life, you're the only one who can create your own happiness... reward your precious self with some peace of mind.

Song of the day: Anna Nalick "Breathe (2 A.M.)"